i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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