my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
