I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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