Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
