I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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