Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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