I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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