bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Randomize
