So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
