bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Jerry, you need to find god
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
