I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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