Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
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