I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
