I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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