went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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