I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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