I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I just found a bag of teeth...
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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