Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
