I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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