If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
