My room smells like vodka and shame
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
