Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
