it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
