i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
