you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
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This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
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My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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