Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
