it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
