I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
