Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
