there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize