Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
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