bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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