This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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