You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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