On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
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every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
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Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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