If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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