He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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