No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
