Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
