so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
