That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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