Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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