She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
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Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
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this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.