Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable