he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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