My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo