I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Just invented taco cereal.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
