There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
