Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
