this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
