I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
