I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
