This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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