I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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