You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
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