nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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