a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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